Kids are Quick

TEACHER:       John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:             You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER:           Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN:               K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

TEACHER:          No, that’s wrong

GLENN:              Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER:       Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD:         H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:       What are you talking about?

DONALD:          Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

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TEACHER:       Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten
years ago.

WINNIE:              Me!

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TEACHER:      Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:              Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER:       Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’

MILLIE:               I is…

TEACHER:       No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’

MILLIE:              All right…  ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

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TEACHER:       George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.     Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS:              Because George still had the ax in his hand.

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TEACHER:       Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON:            No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER:       Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.   Did you copy his?

CLYDE :              No, it’s the same dog.

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TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD:        A teacher

Church Bulletin

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Proverb evreiesc

(Nelu Cinteanu)

‘Oricat de jos s-ar duce dolarul, apleaca-te si ia-l!’

Productivitate neproductiva

Directorul unei fabrici le propune muncitorilor sa lucreze in fiecare zi mai
mult cu 1 ora pentru a creste productivitatea. Apoi ii intreaba pe angajati daca sunt de acord.

Ionescu : Eu propun sa se lucreze cate 10 ore pe zi pentru a mari profitul
companiei.

Popescu: Eu zic ca putem lucra chiar 12 ore pe zi, pentru ca trebuie sa
ajungem cat mai repede la nivelul concurentei.

Vasilescu: Am putea sa lucram 16 ore pe zi, suntem obligati sa ne facem
datoria.

Gheorghe : Eu propun sa nu mai plecam acasa deloc. Pentru ca acasa ne
intalnim cu nevestele si riscam sa se nasca tampiti ca Ionescu, Popescu,
Vasilescu …

Let me Tell you about my doctor . . !

Let me tell you about my doctor.  He is very good.  If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.

While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, ‘Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible.’ The doctor said, ‘Tell him I can’t see him.’

Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, ‘Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film.’ The doctor calmly replied,

The positive side of life

 1. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around
the sun every year. 

2. How long a minute is depends on what side of the

Pesimism pozitiv

Danut manastireanu mi-a pus diagnosticul acesta inca din tineretele noastre comune: sunt, ca si el, un pesimist. Are dreptate si recunosc handicapul acesta pe care a trebuit sa-l depasesc sprijinit pe o nemaipomenita credinta.

Are insa si pesimismul avantajele lui. Iata unul in ilustratia de mai jos:

  

Reclama, sufletul comertului

On a Plumber’s truck:

“We repair what your husband fixed.”

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On another Plumber’s truck:

“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your

Uf! Off! Vai!

Recunosc! Am copiat-o dintr-un ziar pe care l-ati citit si unii dintre voi. Totusi, nu m-am putut opri sa o pun si aici. Ca unul care oscilez intre Windows si Aplle, vreau sa o pastrez in colectia de glume de pe acest blog:

Einstein, Freud si Bill Gates merg cu trenul. La un moment dat se opreste trenul in mijlocul campiei. Sta o ora, sta doua, pustietate, stanci, etc.
Freud zice:
- Ma, eu ma duc la mecanic sa vad ce probleme sunt. Poate l-a apucat o criza de anxietate, e depresiv, nu mai vrea sa porneasca, ma duc sa-l rezolv.
Vine Freud dupa 1 ora, nu reusise sa faca nimic, mecanicul era OK.
Einstein zice:
- Lasa ca ma duc eu, sigur a patit ceva locomotiva. Ma duc s-o repar. Vine dupa o ora, nu facuse nici asta nimic, locomotiva era OK.
Bill Gates zice si el:
- Ma, hai sa ne dam toti jos din tren si sa mai urcam o data, poate porneste. 

“Restart ?…”

Selectie … “naturala” ?

Un fiu a vrut sa se insoare cu consimtamantul parintilor.
A ales o fata si a dus-o acasa, dar nu i-a placut mamei sale.
A ales o a doua fata si a dus-o acasa, dar nici ea nu i-a placut mamei sale.
A ales o a treia, a patra, a cincea, dar nu i-au placut mamei sale.

Atunci, tanarul s-a dus si a cautat mult pana ce a gasit o fata care era “ca mama lui”, se imbraca ca ea, vorbea ca ea, mergea ca ea. A adus-o acasa, dar nu i-a placut … tatalui sau.